Dry weather, a nearly empty gym, and a kind scale made for a most excellent workout this morning. After six months I think I'm finally getting into the groove of this whole renaissance-thing.

Wuh-wo! Flashback time!

Once upon a time I was sitting in one of those new age hippie encounter groups sharing my hopes and dreams while listening to sitar music and soaking up some mind-widening “incense”. We went through a number of guided “exercises” designed to open our minds and visualize our dreams and goals and somehow get in touch with our inner selves. It was groovy, man! Consider though, that it was the 80's and instead of hippies it was a bunch of soulless yuppies bent on corporate ladder-climbing. The sitar and incense stuff was still groovy.

At one point we were to pick three of our goals and make an object out of clay representing each one but I think I'll save the telling of that experience for some other time. The gibberish I'd like to blather on about now is more about the whole goal setting process and how serious a thing it truly is. Serious? You bet, considering that whatever you set as a goal and focus upon will most likely come to be- at least that's how things have worked out for me. So we each were told to close our eyes and lie back as we visualized our lives as we saw them at that moment. We were to mentally see our stuff (houses, cars, clothes, etc.), our relationships and everything else going on right then and once we had that picture nestled in our brains, mentally move forward in time five, ten, twenty years and see how things turn out. Then we inserted our goals as if they had been achieved and did the same flash-forward exercise. Now, I don't know if it was the incense or the sitar but it was pretty easy to imagine the different, more improved future.

I still use this method- especially when it is something I think is really important. I've done it with my weight loss goal. I've imagined myself both as I was and as I plan to be five, ten, and even twenty years down into the future. It was a pretty dismal future the way things were going- not really much of a future at all and scary enough to get me to the gym. Conversely, my imagined healthy future is bright enough to keep me there and bring me back time after time.

I can't wait to meet the future me.

Losing weight is simple- eat less and exercise more. What could be easier than that? Whoa! Losing weight is SIMPLE, not EASY. I never realized how hard it was to do those two simple little things until I started this journey a little over six months ago. That eating less part is especially tough; it requires serious commitment to change.

I have a couple of friends who went the gastric-bypass route over a year ago. Each experienced fairly dramatic weight loss. For both, it was the way to go and when asked if they'd recommend it, both said they would.

I understand that there are a couple of ways to go about similar processes and while I couldn't recommend any one way over another, Laparoscopic Adjustable Gastric Banding (LAGB) looks interesting. It's called the lap band method. Instead of suturing off a section of stomach, the lap band surgeon puts an adjustable band around the upper portion of it- creating a smaller stomach pouch that takes a lot less food to make you feel full. This is all done through a couple of tiny incisions and is both adjustable and reversible. More info can be had at the JourneyLite web site.

It was raining and cold on the bleachers yesterday morning- and miserably awesome! And this morning, while a little drier, made for a pretty chilly run to and from the gym. Not too many brave the cold and there were quite a few people on the treadmills this morning. My neighbors drive to the gym and probably think I'm weird as I trot up to door. I'll confirm their belief by confessing right here and now that I find something euphoric about doing physically strenuous activity in less than ideal conditions. It somehow unleashes my inner-Hulk and I rage right through. Any additional adversity beyond the forces of gravity augments my determination and the experience as a whole. So, bring it on Ma Nature- it's go time!

The scale was nice to me this morning-but was it really? Is it the scale or is it all the effort I put into reaching my goals? If you consider that, between weigh-ins, I had to run 2 miles, walk 1 mile, run the bleachers 6 times, lift 26,850 lbs., and eat right you may be given to pause. OK, it's the scale.

Over the years, I've seen lots and lots of exercise programs, devices, and eliminators all designed to make your exercise sessions more and more effortless. I've seen the special tables that move your body for you, electrodes that make you twitch, and body suits that make you sweat. If that's what you're into, hey, rock on. I guess I'm just a little old fashioned.

I believe that goals require effort to accomplish. I believe we (humans) can be our best when things are at their worst. I believe we rise above and conquer, adapt and overcome, gird up our loins and march on, kick ass and take names. I believe our potential is limited only by our resistance to make the effort necessary to accomplish our goals.

I think about people that have done things I'd like to do; people that have accomplished things I'd like to but just haven't done yet. What makes them different? What makes them able to accomplish the things I'd like to accomplish? I think it's a matter of commitment, action, and tenacity. I believe I'm no different in any other respect. I believe anyone can accomplish their goals with a heaping helping of commitment, action, and tenacity. That's my “Tao'r of Kapow'r” (c) TM; the three things that will ensure my success--- all wrapped up in a silly (but copyrighted and trademarked) nonsensical catch phrase.

I'm down a pound over the weekend but man, oh man, it was tough running to the gym this morning. The combination of freaking cold air and too much leftovers really took the wind out of my sails- and I'm guessing that last piece of pumpkin pie lodged itself uncomfortably somewhere midship and is taking its' time heading aft.

Naval metaphors aside, it was a good morning once I got to the gym. There were quite a few more people there than typical but not so many that I had to wait for a station. I put in a solid forty minutes before bracing myself for the jog home. There was something weird about the air this morning- it felt “heavy” in addition to very, very cold-- making it kind of tough to breathe. Or maybe I was just being a Monday morning wimp. That's probably closer to the truth. Ultimately I managed to tough it out and make it back with only modest gasping and whining.

I'm reminded of my grandfather. I don't particularly know why. It could be that one of the old dudes at the gym kind-of looked like him or it could just be a random set of neurons firing off in the old noggin just now- I dunno but here we go.

He was cool in an eccentric kind of way. He was a war hero (silver star in WWII), a retired LA policeman, parole officer, and chock-full of stories about his life and travels. He was also opinionated and a little stubborn, and we would talk and argue about this and that until all hours. He would make these outlandish comments about people regarding things I would never have thought of had he not said it; usually inciting those arguments.

He would often preface his observations about people with, “I'm a student of human nature...” When he didn't lead with that, you just knew it was coming at the end because he always used that as his trump. He really didn't need it though, because he was usually right-on with his observations. I always thought is was because of his experiences with people when they were typically at their worst behavior- and it probably was but it could have been a talent he was born with, like some can naturally sing or draw. My grandfather could figure people out. I miss him.

I think I have myself figured out-- everyone else is a mystery. I've made generalizations in regard to humanity as a whole based on my own personal traits- but those generalizations don't always apply to the individual. I don't know what's right or wrong for any person in particular but I do think I know what's right and wrong for me and by extrapolation, for the universe in general. I just don't know what's right, wrong, good, or bad for YOU. My grandfather probably would but it's too late to ask him.

Still, some people have asked me what they should do to lose weight. They see how I've changed and they want to as well and that's great--- I just can't tell them what they, personally, should do. I can tell them what I'm doing but I don't know that they should do the same. What I'm doing works for me and may not do a thing for them. What I'm doing may work statistically for human beings as a species but not for Jane or John the individual. The only truly effective suggestion I can make is that they should talk to their doctor before doing anything.

Come to think of it, can anyone else really do more? I dunno. I'd be careful of anyone suggesting any “plan” that isn't based on a sound medical assessment of the individual. Whoa! Now I have two things I can suggest. I guess that and whatever they decide to do, whatever plan, that they stick to it and endure to the end. Tenacity yields success in the weight loss game. Hey, that's three! Three things each individual can do to lose weight. Talk to your doctor, base your weight loss plan on sound medical advice, and stick to it for the rest of your life. That's what you, Jane or John, should do.

Believe it, because I'm a student of human nature.

Who else was a little anxious stepping on the scale this morning? Was I the only one?

Yesterday's moderation paid off this morning with a surprising two pound loss though, to be fair, it is really only 1-1/2 pounds because I was half-way there on Wednesday. Still, a loss is a loss and I'm feeling pretty A-OK about it.

Yesterday was not without its' typical mishaps. I ran out of fuel about 20 minutes into BBQ-ing the turkey. The boys lost part of the hose nozzle in the gutter downspout (true disaster potential later). It ultimately all came together in a fantastic meal and a great time. My favorite holiday rarely disappoints.

Most of the people I know were up quite a bit before me- pounding the plastic at the stores. I'm really not into that “lemmings-to-the-register” thing and took advantage of online deals. I feel like I've lost the drive to consume in excess, instead going for moderation in all things including gift-giving. If you're one one of those Black Friday shopping warriors I say good for you! Thanks for stimulating the economy and send me a gift (I'd love a new nano) - it'll make us both a little merrier.

Please place your gifts on the side table (or PayPal). I'm kidding! Unless refusing gifts insults you. If it does then please indulge! I don't want any hurt feelings.

I celebrated six months of commitment in the gym this morning- starting the festivities with my traditional weigh-in. The scale was nice to me today and reported a loss of a little over a pound from Monday. That little “+” sign next to the -101 represents a little wiggle room in preparation for tomorrow's gastro-fest.

I plan on enjoying tomorrow, albeit in moderation. These past six months have definitely shifted how I look at food, so while I'm looking forward to the shift in the menu, I'm not looking to engorge my belly. I'm doing most of the cooking and that actually helps; cooking kills my appetite... probably due to some sort of weird gestalt-thing I endured as a child. Regardless, I enjoy the whole cooking thing and will most likely be relying on some Tivo'd Food TV stuff for inspiration. For anyone interested, here's the menu:

Turkey - honey-brined then BBQ'd with apple-sage glaze (glaze per Bobby Flay). I did the same last year and it was really good.

Lamb - braised with herbs and vegetables

Ginger mashed sweet potatoes

Green beens with cashews

Broccoli, tomato, avocado, and artichoke heart salad with basalmic vinegar

Fruit Fluff (my 11-year-old daughter's recipe)

Assorted raw vegetables

Pies- pumpkin, apple, and chocolate pecan

Not a lot of “diet food” here and looking back over the last six months, I really haven't eaten anything you'd call diet food. I've learned that portion control and moderate exercise are what really works for me- and I've stuck to it. I will continue to do so because I really like the difference it has made in the quality of my life. I've got a little more than six months (and 49 lbs.) to reach my weight goal and I really feel like I'm “over the hump”. Not that it's going to get any easier but I don't think it'll get any harder either.

That's the thing, I guess. With me it's primarily an attitude thing. It really hasn't been that hard (once I got past the first month or so). It was just a process of instilling a new set of habits; eating less more often, exercising REGULARLY, and relying on myself for primary motivation while using the encouragement of others for added “kick”. Simple? Yes. Easy? More so every day. I started all this with a simple caloric equation that's getting me closer to equilibrium. It's my New Math and I think I'm getting it figured out.

Another pound lost over the weekend- not the first and definitely not the last. This Wednesday (11/21/07) will mark the sixth month of my efforts towards renaissance.

When I got to the gym this morning the aerobics class was taking a tour of the weight room. This is the same class that all the yelling is coming from- making me ever-so glad that I'm not in the class. Their presence threw off my workout a bit because they were crowded around some of the machines- not exercising, just listening as the instructor yelled about heart rate and read posters to them. She's amazingly loud. I cranked up my iPod and went about my workout in slightly skewed order.

Here's my most recent list of simple and self-evident personal (meaning, "only applicable to me, Steve) truths.

10. Drastic, positive change does not happen overnight; negative change can occur during the blink of an eye.
9. Milk, a substance designed to increase a calf's weight by 90 lbs. in 6 weeks can be just as effective on humans- especially when blended with ice cream and chocolate syrup.
8. Having a physical trainer yell at me to “Keep your knees up!” isn't as effective as my wife telling me to “Put your fork down”.
7. Having a trainer yell at me during a workout just makes me want to stop working out.
6. Gaining is a lot easier than losing.
5. Nothing beats the feeling of going down a size.
4. “Shade in the summer, warmth in the winter” shouldn't be my most desirable attributes.
3. I put it on myself; I have to take it off myself.
2. Even food that's good for you tastes good- more so when you're hungry.
1. I've been thin and I've been fat. I prefer thin.

I gained weight while running this morning. Thank you rain! I also made a minor self discovery. Thank you iPod! I discovered today that (thanks to a dead iPod battery) I am an extremely loud person when I run- especially on metal bleachers. Geez, for the longest time I thought I was like a gazelle or something- not some clog-footed rhino stampeding around the high school track. I will never forget to charge my iPod again.

How about a little huckstering?

What if I could show you a way to eat as much of any type of food that you want and lose weight at the same time- and do it without doing any exercise?

How about a method/gimmick/pill which would allow you to sit in front of your TV while shedding unwanted pounds, reducing wrinkles and gray hair, firming muscles, and increasing your intelligence all while learning a foreign language and the art of Feng Shui?

Would you be interested?

Of course you wouldn't, because you know that such a thing simply doesn't exist. Nothing takes the place of consistent diet, exercise, and tenacity. That's just the way it is. Oh sure, there are short term “fixes” that produce equally short term results. The truth is that none of the wonder drugs/plans/thingamabobs/doohickeys last.

What works is what's always worked: diet and exercise. That's the fact-jack.

As I ran through the steady rain from my house to the gym this morning thoughts entered my mind in matched cadence.

Did-I-make-it?-One-
hundred-pounds.-That's-
a-lot-of-weight.-I-
wonder-what-a-hundred-
pounds-of-pizza-looks-
like.-Or-a-hundred-pounds-
of-hundred-dollar-bills.-
Was-that-last-squish-dog-
poop? And on and on.

I know! I drive myself nuts with that kind of thing. Anyway, it was raining and it was cold and dark and I was running along the quarter-mile or so it is between my house and the gym and I got to thinking (yes, still in cadence) about stepping on the scale and thus eliminating all the anticipation I had built up over whether I had lost or gained weight over the last day- not because of any significance I had placed on the 100 lb. mark but because I feel that anticipation EVERY day. I've come to realize that the opportunity to fiddle with that scale motivates me.

It wasn't always the case (big surprise there, huh?). I used to avoid the cursed thing and curse at it when I stepped on it. It was a fickle bitch; sometimes rewarding me by showing a little less on the dial; sometimes chiding me- or just flat pissing me off with some extra digits. It would upset me, make me mad, blow me kisses. It could control my mood for the entire day.

Not anymore.

Why? What changed?

I decided after the first month or so that the scale just measures what's placed on it. There is no guile or feeling expressed in what it reports whatsoever. It just reports. I'm the one that steps on the pad. I'm the one that makes its' pointer move. Me. I control it. I'm in charge.

That's the kind of crap that goes through my noggin when there isn't much to look at and the iPod shuffles from The Hives to elevator music. Anyway, I ran on through the rain and darkness (just like most of the sentences in my blog) until I got to the gym- and the rest of this morning's mini-drama.

OK. So I was at the gym, resolute in the knowledge that I controlled the scale- it didn't control me. Still I felt a twinge of anticipation (I think I always will) as I stepped up onto the pad, slid the counterweights into position and began to slide the little marker-weight where I thought it should be...

DENIED!

If I were a number-rounding, horseshoes and hand-grenades kind of guy I would have called it an even 100. Since I'm more the OCD, anal-retentive, do-things-in-threes, wash-your-hands-exactly-twenty-seven-times-per-day-or-something-bad-will-happen kind of guy, I'll call it 99 and look forward to Monday with continued determination.

...and a little twinge of anticipation.

As I circled the track this morning, I thought about how much weight I've lost over the last five months, the changes I've made in my life to do it, and how I might feel when I step on the scale tomorrow and discover whether or or not I've crossed the 100-pound mark.

Hmm. How should I feel? Friends tell me I should celebrate, throw a little party- reward myself for the accomplishment. Honestly, I'm not feeling it- celebratory, that is.

When I had my epiphany back in May it was the realization that I had physically become someone I should never have become. That I had let myself go (and grow) physically into a person that was running a serious risk of devastating health issues and a person who was physically uncomfortable most of the time. Except for the palpable pain of the possible consequences of continuing on that self-destructive path, it wasn't ever an emotional thing. I was emotionally jolly before and am generally happy now.

I look at this whole thing like my body is an old car that over the years has been filled with bad gas and driven down a rough road. After years of bad fuel and an accumulation of road debris and junk in the trunk, it was time for some restoration. I'm not looking at this whole weight loss thing as a singular event. My restoration is going to take a while and continue throughout my life. Hell, my restoration is the rest of my life. Losing 100 pounds is but one in a string of short term goals- just one more rung on the ladder to v4.7. The results are and will continue to be a wonderful thing- just not cause for celebration.

Picture this:

I get up every morning, bleary-eyed and groggy, pad over to the bathroom and splash water over the stubble of the night's beard growth. As I stand in front of the mirror drying my face, I give myself a visual once-over and assess the results of my efforts and foibles along the path of my physical reformation. I pause, stare myself directly in the eyes and with as much somber seriousness as I can muster, declare,

“You are a LOSER! You lost yesterday. You'll lose today, and you're gonna lose tomorrow. So get out there you FAT LOSER and LOSE.”

How's that for a daily affirmation? OK, so it needs a little polish. How about something like,

“You are a WINNER! Everything you SET YOUR MIND to you ACCOMPLISH. You are THINNER, SMARTER, and BETTER-LOOKING than you were yesterday. You are getting BETTER EVERY DAY, in EVERY WAY and your MOM thinks you're SPECIAL.”

or,

“You are the king of your castle and the master of your domain. All tremble before you and marvel at your brilliance. Women swoon and men are envious in your presence. You are one mamma-slamma-jamma!”

Oy! You're right, way too much. You've probably considered and come to the conclusion that I've probably got pudding for brains but before you outright dismiss me as a total whacko please consider this: I never have, nor can I imagine myself in the future, stood in front of a mirror to give myself an affirmation, pep talk, or scolding. The voices in my head tell me it's just plain crazy to do stuff like that.

OK, so I really don't hear voices in my head. And please, oh please, understand that I am in no way critical of those who do or those who make daily affirmations. Please do what ever you need to do to bolster your confidence to accomplish your goals, that's totally cool, just understand that, FOR ME, I just don't buy into all that external motivation.

I think that motivation comes from within; that people really don't NEED someone (even our reflections) telling us what to do. I think humans (all of us) CAN do a hell of a lot more than what we WILL do and I believe that WILL approaches CAN when we recognize, realize, and internalize the consequences and possibilities of our actions and then TAKE ACTION.

Now, I'm a hypocrite of sorts. You could say this blog catharsis thing is a sort of affirmation-- and you may be right. OK, so I talk the talk but I don't always walk the walk. That's what this renaissance-thing is all about- so that Steve v4.7 renders Steve v4.6 obsolete, discarded, and no longer supported.

I'm really looking forward to hitting the 100-pound mark.

But isn't “100” just a number?

Maybe it is--- and maybe “8” is just a number as well. I mean, it's only the number of inches I've shrunk around my waist over the last 178 (oooh, another number!) days. Maybe 10.50 is just a number too. That's how much money I wasted on dry cleaning for a suit I”LL NEVER WEAR AGAIN. Good riddance! Damn! I can't tell you how good that feels.

Numbers can be significant if you want them to be. Take for example the number “52”. That's how much weight I still have to (scratch that, WILL) lose between now and June '08. How about the numbers 7, 29, and 206? That's how much time (months, weeks, days) I have left to accomplish this goal. How about the number 1.77? That's how many pounds I need to lose each week to reach it.

And finally, the number that really matters; the key number that unlocks the entire equation (introduced way back when) and guarantees my success in losing all the weight I need to, the single number that is going to make or break my renaissance...

1. One. Numero Uno. Me.

That's the most important number of all. Without me and the commitment I carry, all the others lose relevance.

Shrink on, number one.

I'm down two pounds from Friday. Wednesday's weigh-in will confirm whether I'm back on course or just putzing around in the rough. What did I change? Well, just a couple of things.

First, I switched back to almonds from the new peanut butter for my in-between-meals snack. There is a definite calorie reduction there because I'm less apt to over-do it.

I'm also running the track/bleachers alone rather than with my wife now. It's a shame too, because I really enjoyed the time spent with her. Downside is that I was completely distracted by conversation and I realized that we were running half the number of laps that I usually ran. So Saturday I went solo and waddya know? I ran six laps instead of just three- the number we had been doing the last week or so. I'm running solo from now on and my wife is more than happy to sleep in.

Today was a gym day, which reminds me- I want to say “Awesome Job!” to John for lifting a million pounds during his workouts. It is remarkable how things add up; both in calorie consumption and weight lifting. My personal focus is on how one offsets the other.

OK. So it's Friday and my weight hasn't changed enough to post. If I look close enough at the scale I'm almost a pound light than I was Monday but I wouldn't feel right fudging it- not even a little. This all about losing weight and doing it as empirically as possible. What I WANT to see should not and must not influence what I actually do see.

Because I haven't kept the pace of previous success I can only surmise that I have somehow caused it through either negligence or self-sabotage. Not that I'm taking a hard line on this whole renaissance thing and no, I'm not going to go and beat myself up over not having lost what I consider a reasonable amount of weight this week-- it's just that I am serious and I am committed and I need to figure out why and make some adjustments to get back on track.

“Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.”

That's a quote from Fred Shero, a former Philadelphia Flyers coach, and he couldn't be more right. My body isn't going to shrink itself unless I do the shrinking. So, for me it's a little reflection and correction- then back on track until the trains run on time.

What has been the problem? Thinking back over the week I realize that there have been some subtle changes which may or may not have had an impact. One is a change in the peanut butter I've been eating. I was in Winco the other day and noticed that you can fresh-grind your own peanuts and make peanut butter right there in the store. You just fill up a couple of quart-sized deli containers with the stuff fresh from the machine and pay for it by the pound. It is really good! And that may be a problem.

It's different from the Adams peanut butter I've been buying. It's darker, richer, and tastier. Also, the peanut oil never has a chance to separate and collect at the top of the container- I had been pouring off the oil from the Adams stuff, so I'm probably getting a few more calories per tablespoon than before. I am also sure that I have been eating more of it during the week- using it as a substitute for other snacks. So, self-grind peanut butter is evil! Winco is evil!

“The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others.”

That's from former Miami Dolphins coach, Don Shula. True-dat, Don. True-dat. (say “true-dat” out loud, it'll increase your street cred.) Unless Winco confesses to being evil it must be me that is truly at fault. But instead of any self-flagellation, I'm going to pay more careful attention to my peanut butter consumption from this point on.

OK enough of peanut butter. That's done. So what else?

I have been doing more with heavier weights at the gym. One of my goals was to max-out the weight machines. I started doing just that with the rowing and the biceps-curl machines. My guess is that I maybe might possibly may or may not be bulking up in those affected muscle groups. And because muscle has higher density than fat, perhaps I've been replacing fat weight with muscle weight.

Pish-posh! What I really need to do is make damn sure I'm sticking to my plan, cut back on the new peanut butter and see what the scale says on Monday.

PS. I want to say thanks to all those of you who continue to send ideas and words of encouragement. It helps.

I was still down 96 pounds when I weighed in at the gym yesterday morning. This could be for a number of reasons- though the straw I'm grasping is the notion that I had not yet taken my morning sabbatical... and that's all I'm going to say about that. (ahem, you're welcome) We'll see what the scale reveals on Friday.

Here's an old cliche that's been bouncing around the old noggin this morning,

“The devil's in the details.”

I remembered that one during a discussion with my wife as we circled the track this morning. We were talking about our teenaged son and how we should address a couple of his issues. Now, when I say “issues” I'm really not talking about anything too major. The kid's just been staying up a little too late on the phone and he's been having trouble making it to his 6:30AM class on time.

This early morning class isn't one that is mandatory or required for graduation, but it is a commitment he made and attendance is required for a passing grade. The thing is, even this close to the end of the semester, he'd rather talk on the phone until midnight than get enough sleep so he can wake up on time for his class. When my wife confronted him about it, it was a problem with the class, that it was too early, and that he didn't like it anyway-- at least that is how he presented the situation to my wife.

The reality is that he likes the class, has friends in it, and wants to continue through completion; he also wants to talk to a couple of girls on his cellphone when the minutes become “free” after 9PM. I totally understand the desire to do both even though the two activities are counter-productive to one another. I mean, I'd love to have cheesecake after every meal and lose three pounds a week but the two are mutually exclusive- at least in my experience. If I were to make a hasty generalization rather than look at the details of making choices in regard to food and weight loss I might make some irrational statement like, “Cheesecake is evil!” or “Losing weight is impossible!” Neither statement is true nor beneficial; it's the little details behind the generalizations that truly address the broader issues.

Ah, but here's where the “details” thing comes into play- instead of making brash and extreme generalizations and ultimately regrettable choices (ie. quit early classes, take away his cellphone, or heaven forbid, throw out the cheesecake) we'll define acceptable choices and ranges of choice.

In my mind, and granted it can get very weird in here, life is all about making choices-- and QUANTITY determines QUALITY. That is, the more defined our choices are, the better quality of life and future choice. I also equate freedom with abundant choices (again, the more the better). Conversely, a lack of choice is like prison. Take my closet for example, I have more choices on what to wear than I have had in years- all because of choices I've made handling temptation and exercise. Every little choice yields great opportunity/danger.

Long story short, we'll come to an agreement with our son on just how late he can talk on the phone and I'll limit cheesecake consumption to comply with my weight loss goals.

Here is my list of ten possible ways to celebrate once I hit the 100-pound mark:

10. 24 hours of binge and purge.
9. Eat my way through the alphabet.
8. What can't out run me gets eaten.
7. Break some Guinness World Record involving pie.
6. “Moon” the people working the drive-thru at McDonald's.
5. Donate old clothes for use as camping tents for the Boy Scouts.
4. Buy new wardrobe from the “Tall” section while rudely ignoring the “Big” section.
3. Grow a beard where a couple of my chins USED to be.
2. Admire the unobstructed view of my feet.

And the #1 way to celebrate once I hit the 100-pound mark:

1. Feel totally jazzed as I work on losing the remaining 50.

I still have another four pounds until I can do any celebrating but am flat-arsed determined to get there. I know that I can. I know that I will.

*My thanks and/or apologies to David Letterman for the whole Top Ten list idea.

“Soylent Green is People! It's made of people! People!” to misquote the late, great, Phil Hartman's impression of Charlton Heston's character from Soylent Green.

What fun!

Movies and impressions aside, I've lost 95 pounds thus far along my trek through renaissance. Please understand that I don't announce my loss over and over, again and again, to impress you but rather to impress upon you that what I am experiencing is do-able by ANYONE. Five short... er... actually three short and two seemingly endless months ago, I was max-ing out the scale at our local rec. center gym. Yesterday I max-d out a couple of weight machines. Who'd a thunk it?

Me, that's who! I felt/feel the need to change. No, it was more than a feeling, it was anguish over what I had become. It was real and it was intense. I was sick inside- that figurative kind of sick inside where you actually feel physically ill- though not really 'cause you just pounded a couple of Whoppers and that would be a terrible waste and a huge mess to chunder.

In reality, I had just had enough. I considered myself a huge blob, outgrowing even my sweats, I was tired all the time, my joints ached, I was bitchy (-er), and just no fun to be around. I couldn't take part in any of the physical activities my kids were into because I just couldn't and I was embarrassed to even try.

I remember everything just coming to an emotional head during which I felt the combined pain of what I had missed and everything I would most likely miss in the future if I didn't change. The anguish was palpable and horrible. I imagined the health risks I was taking just by stuffing my fat face. I imagined the complications of diabetes, congestive heart failure, choking to death on a peanut butter and nanner sandwich while sitting on the can and gawd knows what other possibilities that lay in wait for me. These imaginings turned to pain and and I FELT it. I was dying inside.

After I got to the point where everything was just hopeless and black, I remembered that I wasn't always this way and I really didn't have to stay this way. I acknowledged that I was as I was because of choices I made, both small and big, that put me there. I also had/have friends that have turned themselves around so how hard could it be?

Freakin' tough-- at least for the first month or so. But I don't want to write about that right now.

Murder Meat! What's that all about? Well I'll tell you.

I'll say right it right now, “I love to eat animals!” Just love it. I love eating pigs and cows, chickens and turkeys, trout and salmon, and it doesn't matter how disgusting or cute they are (squid or lamb, anyone?). I am an omnivore leaning more toward the carni-end of the spectrum.

That said, I realize there are some folks out there who don't eat meat, are dead-set against it and those who do it and that is A-OK. Good for you. My stepmother is a vegan. She rocks. She's also anemic but rocks nonetheless.

I tried the vegan lifestyle for one summer during my college years. I tried a lot of stuff back then. It took a little getting used to but wasn't entirely bad. It had some interesting side effects- things like better-smelling breath (and flatulence!) and constant hunger.

When summer ended and I was no longer under vegan influence I made it a point to seek out the first fast food place I could and wolf down some serious beef and a sundry non-vegan vittles. What a mistake that was. I was sick for two days. Serious chunder.

Meat for a vegan is murder- it was killing me!

Good thing I'm a can-do kind of guy. I had to try again, and try (and succeed) I did. Soon I was knocking back steaks and ribs like they were tofu and brown rice. No problem. Going vegan was just a phase for me- something I could never do again because going carnivore after was so awful.

Until I did several years later. Guess what? Same experience, though this time I did it for a year and the murder meat this time around? BBQ ribs! So good. What a way to go.

What do I take from those experiences? I'm going to plead “moderation”. I think that most things are OK as long as they're consumed in moderation. Over the years that is the one thing I had the hardest time with and it's been my focus for the last five months.

So whether it's plants or critters, I'm eating in moderation.